Champagne Bottle Sex Toys

Well, friends, what a 2018 it has been! And as we celebrate the turn of 2019 with champagne and more champagne, the question arises: what to do with the bottles?

I can’t prove it, but I speculate that ever since the French invented sparkling wine in heavy bottles with wired-down corks, people have been using the empty bottles as sex toys. The bottles are phallic enough even before the iconic *pop* of the cork and the gush of white foam. That pop-and-gush always puts sex on everybody’s mind. Then we drink. Inhibitions start to evaporate…

By the time the bottles are empty? You betcha somebody is getting something shoved up them! It’s practically a law of nature.

All over the world, people are having New Years parties. Most of them, I suppose, are fairly decorous. Champagne or not. But when it’s just one rich man in a swanky room with a swanky dame and an ice bucket and that iconic bottle and no witnesses at all? She’ll stick her bottom right out for it, oh yes she will, and arch her back with pleasure. After all you’ve got to do something while you wait for room service to bring up another bottle:

I’ve looked at a lot of porn in my time, and I don’t still have it all at my fingertips. I remember a clip that circulated on the first-ever peer-to-peer file sharing network, the original Napster-that-was, the one that got sued into oblivion. No, it wasn’t just for music! There was a popular movie file, in some sad RealMovie format, of a man shaking a bottle of champagne with his thumb over the mouth. Then he shoved it up half way up her pussy in one smooth motion. The bottle stayed, but the champagne came douching back out in an explosive foam that covered everything, including the camera lens. And…scene. Happy New Year!

Let’s go back further in time. I was a young man, reading dirty books with one hand. I remember some formative smut that caught my imagination. It was fake Victorian BDSM porn, perhaps by Richard Manton or another of his ilk. I remember in particular this one orgy-type scene. The rich rakehells and their doxies were sex-partying. There was a champagne bottle, and the fops were running a painful competition. Which girl could insert the neck of the bottle further up her arsehole? They were using a lipstick to mark the bottle between tries, and there was some terrible punishment awaiting the girl who made the least progress. Lube? How would that be sporting, eh what, old chap?

Sometimes, too, if enough champagne flows, a good party at any time of year might break down into an outright orgy. Just right there on the spot. Given the fancy mirrors on the wall and the gender imbalance (four men, one woman, three bottles of bubbly) I’m going to speculate that this party pictured below was always planned to go that way. It looks like it’s taking place in a brothel, which would make the lady a rather industrious sex worker:

Wherever you find it, though, a party is a still a party. And that looks like a good one.

Meanwhile, a champagne bottle makes such a great insertion sex toy, you can’t claim you’re not a little bit tempted. But whether or not you make bottle-sex part of your 2019 celebrations, have a Happy New Year!