“What’s She Doing In There?” Bathtub Masturbation!

bathroom masturbation header

Teenage boys get a bad rap. They get ten or fifteen minutes in the bathroom to use the toilet and swab their armpits. Maybe they get twenty minutes, if they shower noisily, or if they are still learning how to shave. But when a young man spends any longer than that in the loo with the door locked? People just assume he’s jerking off and spamming jizz all over the shower curtain.

Young women get a very different message. They are expected to primp and preen and screw around endlessly with their hair. Popping zits, exfoliating, using the loofah, heck, I don’t know what all they do in there. All I know is, nobody thinks twice if they spend an hour and a half at it.

naked in her bathroom

And that, my friends, is how young ladies get started on a lifelong habit of masturbating in the bathtub. They receive uninhibited social license to spend an infinite amount of time in that warm steamy room with the door locked. Why wouldn’t they do what comes naturally?

hot water for female masturbation

That is why every man alive is left to marvel when his woman disappears into the most private chamber in the house and doesn’t come out for fucking ever. Ask her what she was up to for all that time in there, and she will flat make stuff up:

“Oh, I had to apply a supple enzyme bath to the roots of my nipple hairs, it’s very tricky, I couldn’t get the sheath follicles to color properly and so I moved on to a Nubian clay hot treatment. But the pH was off so I had to do the whole thing over again with iodine and match heads and string. That reminds me, honey, I need to get to the mall today because I’m fresh out of…”

She can keep this up in a nonstop breathless stream until you get bored and wander off. You will never get a straight answer.

shower wand spraying on her tender clit

This is because, in truth, she was perched the whole time on the side of the bathtub, fingering her own clit and moaning quietly. She has been strongly socially conditioned never to admit this. The bathroom may well be the only place in the house where she is relaxed enough to give herself an orgasm. That’s because it was the only place she could safely experiment with her own pleasure when she was sixteen.

an orgasm in the tub

I will never forget the first blog post I ever saw that talked about sexual matters. This was close to twenty years ago. Sex blogging was barely a thing. But mainstream bloggers — serious business types, OG tech wizards, managers, startup guys — would sometimes use the “new, informal” medium of blogging to talk about sex. And one of these guys wrote (I’m paraphrasing) something like “Why don’t women just go ahead and demand a dildo-shaped wand for the hand-held shower nozzles they love so much? Everybody already knows they’re only for female masturbation, right?”

wanking on the edge of the bathtub

Like, he was not wrong. (And, some years later, shower-dildos eventually became a thing. Maybe he should have tried to patent the idea.) But the whole point of bathroom wanking for women is the deniability. Everybody “knows” women take forever in the bathroom, so they might as well take all the time they need to wring some pleasure out of their pussies. It’s not like any man is ever going to challenge them about their “beauty regime” — why would we? It’s hardly in our best interests!

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