Doin’ The Cucumber Nasty [Cucumber Sex]

What’s the difference between being hungry and being horny? Which hole the cucumber goes in…

It’s summertime, and times are hard where I am. Everybody I know who has space for a garden, definitely planted one this year. And so now — at least in my neighborhood — we’re getting absolutely buried in cucumbers, zucchinis, and eggplants. You can’t give them away, because everybody has plenty! I’ve had to start making pickles. But each time I pull one of these knobby hard boys off my plants, I can’t help but think about the phallic role that summer vegetables (especially cukes!) have always played in porn. Pornographers love to hand cucumbers (cheaper than male talent, yeah?) to porn girls. No script needed. Every girl knows what to do with a long fat cucumber! Just roll the cameras and the porn almost makes itself.

People like to tell jokes about the phallic uses of cucumbers almost as much as they like eating them or shoving them up their… ahem. Where was I? Ah, yes, cucumber sex jokes. Here’s another one:

This absolute hottie in a grocery store asked for a price check on the cucumbers, because there was no price tag in the produce section for them. The store employee told her “They’re seventy nine cents each, or two for a dollar.” “OK,” she told him, “give me two. I’ll just eat the other one.”

Most of the cucumbers being misused and abused in these photos are from vintage porn sources (well, 1980s and before) but I haven’t really noticed any 21st century decline of cucumber porn. It remains as popular as ever! It’s one of those memes we can’t get out of our heads. Cucumbers are so phallic, you can’t hardly see one without thinking about where to stick it. Or is that just me?

No, it’s not just me. But possible I do sometimes take things a bit further than most other people. You know those magazines or TV commercials where there’s a really relaxed and happy-looking woman in a fancy spa bathtub, with a towel around her hair and face goop smeared on her cheeks and two round slices of cucumbers on her eyes? When I see an image like that, I gotta wonder: “Where’s the rest of that cucumber?”

I am a bad man with a dirty mind. I can’t help it, but I came to terms with it long ago. Also, I know a dirty cucumber riddle that you probably haven’t heard:

Question: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a cucumber?

Answer: The cucumber doesn’t mind hiding in the refrigerator when your husband comes home unexpectedly.

Oh, I’m sorry. Did you think I was out of dirty cucumber jokes?

Here’s the surprising news: I’m totally not out of cucumber jokes:

A man walks in on his wife, catching her in the act of pleasuring herself with a fat cucumber.

“That’s disgusting!” he shouted. “I was going to eat that, and now it’s gonna taste like cucumber!”

That’s it. I’m done. I think I’ll go outside, pick some nice vegetables, and make a salad.